i am a conspiracy theorist, because
  i see what others fail to… because
  of life-long worries and because
  of a heightened awareness.
i know that there are governmental
  big brothers dying to give me a
  wedgy and i know that there are
  people watching… every moment,
  every breath, every time i go for
  a crap.
people are capable of such atrocities
  and invasions of my privacy… i am
  fully aware of this.
they hide cameras behind mirrors in
  their bathrooms and laugh at me
  whenever i have to go.
medicine cabinets are easier to open
  and check… however full-size mirrors
  screwed into the wall take
  considerably longer to take down.
i must say that i am tired of having to
  make excuses for my lengthy
  bathroom excursions… and it would
  be nice if not every one of my
  friends thought i was perpetually
  suffering from constipation.