her words will never escape me,
  and so my perception of
  her… of all our years, is
  no longer real.
we had known each other since
  high school, and married
  early.
(I’d thought that I’d been
  the first and only.)
because of a depression that lasted
  ten years, I changed.  I don’t
  remember all of the times
  that she held me while I
  cried, but I still see her
  making love to me when
  the world was not such a
  bad place.
(I was not so pityful, and
  she was hungry.)
she had told me throughout those
  years that it was fine to
  break down… that I should
  take all the time needed to
  heal… that one day she would
  need me.

she grew ill in ’95.  her heart began
  to beat sporadically.  (perhaps
  in penance.) she spent years
  unable to move very far from
  her hospital bed, and I made
  sure that she saw my smile.
(assured her that I was not
  crashing again.)
in December, she caught pnemonia.
  her weakened heart could not
  sustain her immune system, and
  slowly, her body began its
  failure.
last Friday, we knew she would die.
  she asked me to hold her
  so tightly, and with my
  body pressed against her,
  (between tears) she said,
  “I was unfaithful during
  those years.”
she spoke the words as if she
  were seeking forginess from
  God, before entering Heaven.
  I’d have preferred it had she
  spoken to me as a lover and
  a wife.
then her face changed as she saw
  me, and realized the words
  had in fact escaped her lips.

Sill, I touched her lips when finally
  she died… though only with
  my fingers… not my own lips.

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